Looking Butthurt in Silly News Articles

You know the expression “no news is good news?” Well, it’s never been truer than for these sad saps. These are some of the worst sourpusses around, and it is our job to laugh at them. Below find a list of people who have immortalized their petty complaints for eternity—taking their outrageous outrage (and their butthurt faces) to the internet as though etching their sour grapes into stone.

1) Nature 1, Woman 0

As an ambulatory species, we enjoy the pleasures of walking upright. But with such power comes great responsibility. Susan Clifton was not prepared to accept that responsibility when she blamed a four square-inch patch of “slippery moss” on her subsequent comic tumble. Normally, when someone gets broke on the sidewalk, they look around anxiously to make sure no one witnessed their fall. Susan thought it’d be a good idea to take her humiliation straight to the papers.

2) Wooh WOOH!

KRON 4 News is to be commended for their deliberate and careful use of classic narrative technique: pitting a free-spirited character against a stodgy, old-fashioned one. Bubb Rubb, the Oakland muffler shop worker, is portrayed as the ecstatic artisan, a man without a care in the world. Roxanne Bruns is portrayed as the anal retentive gentrifier, the white lady who “can’t concentrate” because of the wooh whooh sound of the popular “whistle tips” being added to mufflers around Oakland. This video says, “Move back to San Francisco, Roxanne. Get out the hood!”

 

3) CONSEQUENCES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

Before you feel sympathy for this weeping pre-teen, consider some of her other videos, such as this one….

…where she explains to her viewers that she doesn’t give a fuck and will “pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushie.” Where do you think she learned language like that? Maybe from her father? Mr. Slaughter practically foams at the mouth, bending down on one knee as though to prepare a Shakespearean monologue. And original language doth stream from his mouth: his threat to the internet trolls posting rude comments to his daughter? Consequences will never be the same.

Also, RIP Gene C. Leonhardt, August 11, 2011. Cause of death: heart attack.

 

4) Woman Throws Fake Boob; Invites Reporters into Kitchen to Talk About It

“Come inside! Let me fix you an espresso! Here’s my prosthetic breast! I keep it under this patriotic t-shirt.”

 

5) What Else Have They Done To My Burger?

Upon careful inspection, one is able to glimpse the true character of Mrs. Steger. Notice that she took the extra time to remove the pickles from her burger sandwich before she noticed the crude rendering of a space shuttle, chiseled into the top lid of her Styrofoam container. “Profile pic!”

 

6) Toy Yoda

OK, I’d be pissed too if I thought I won a ‘Toyota’ and instead won a ‘Toy Yoda.’ But this woman takes pissed back to the 90s, with some serious My So Called Life teen angst.

 

7) Self-Righteous Bathroom Monitors

I’m pretty appalled at that man’s wind-swept comb over.

 

8) Chelsea Residents (way too) Upset Over Ballpark Conditions

Come on, lady! The field is damp? The bleachers are creaky? Children across the world are starving to death! With a face like that you’d think someone just told her she had a fat ass.

 

9) Emergency!

The only reason this woman did not make the top spot on this list is because she was sort of justified. McDonald’s should have refunded her money. However, if I called 911 every time I didn’t get to eat what I wanted, I’d probably be sent to prison.

 

10) We Have a Winner

This real-life Oompa Loompa WILL NOT be beat for the top spot on this list.  Please note that the news article is written by her crispy compatriot, one John Bacon.

 

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