Police Jokes and Law Enforcement Humor
Posted by D Dec 29th 2008, 19:50
Golf Club Murder
Police are called to the scene of a murder to find a man standing in his living room, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks him, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes," the shaken man replies.
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man stammers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?" asks the policeman.
"I don't know," the man answers. "Five...six...Put me down for a five."
Lobster Fishing
After a day fishing in the ocean, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He's approached by the game warden, who asks him for his fishing license. Not having one, the fisherman says to the warden, "I didn't catch
these lobsters. They're my pets. Every day, I take them down to the water for a swim. Then, when it's time to go home, I whistle, and the lobsters jump back into the bucket."
The warden doesn't believe him and reminds the fisherman that it's illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me, watch." He throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "OK, now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they can jump out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and asks, "What lobsters?"
Hole in the Wall
A hole has appeared in the ladies' changing rooms at the downtown sports club. Police are looking into it.
Parked
A policeman patrolling Lover's Lane one night drives by a car with the dome light on. Inside is a young man in the driver's seat reading a sports magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. The cop walks up to the driver's window and knocks. The young man looks up, opens the window and says, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asks.
"I'm reading this magazine," the young man answers.
The cop points towards the young lady in the back seat and asks, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looks over his shoulder and replies, "She's just knitting."
Curious, the officer asks the young man, "How old are you?"
"I'm 19," he replies.
"And how old is she?" asks the officer.
The young man looks at his watch and says, "Well, in about twelve minutes, she'll be 18."
Lost Wife
On a rural road, a state trooper pulls over a car and asks the elderly driver, "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
"Thank God," the old man replies. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
Slow Driver
A police officer at a speed trap pulls over a car he clocks creeping along at 22 miles per hour. Approaching the car, he notices that there are four old ladies inside -- two in the front seat and two in the back, the three passengers all wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I was going the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving significantly slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: 22 miles an hour!" the old woman explains.
Chuckling, the officer explains to her that "22" is the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks him for pointing out her error.
Before he lets them go, the policeman asks, "Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh," the driver replies, "they'll be all right in a minute. We just got off Route 148."
Repeat Offender
A judge is reprimanding the defendant in a trial: "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again!"
"Your Honor," the defendant says, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."
Fishing License
A couple of young men are fishing at pond when a game warden comes along. Immediately, one of the men tosses his rod down and starts running through the woods. The warden takes off after him. After several hundred yards, the fisherman stops, exhausted, and stoops over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath.
The game warden catches up to him demands to see his fishing license. The young man pulls out his wallet and hands him a valid fishing license. "Well, son," exclaims the warden, "you must be as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," the fisherman replies. "But my friend back there, he don't have one."
Helpful Wife
A man is pulled over for speeding. The cop asks him, "Did you know you were going 70 in a 55 mile-per-hour zone?"
"No sir," replies the driver. "My speedometer said I was going 60."
The man's wife, in the passenger's seat, chimes in, "Oh Frank, you were actually going 80." The man gives her a dirty look.
The cop adds, "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
"Broken tail light?" exclaims the man. "I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
His wife again butts in, "Oh Frank, you've known about that tail light for weeks!"
Frank gives her a dirty look.
"And I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt," says the cop.
"I just took it off when you were walking up to the car!" Frank protests.
His wife adds, "Oh Frank, you never wear your seat belt!"
Infuriated, Frank turns and yells at his wife, "Shut your mouth, woman!"
The cop asks the woman, "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?"
"No," she explains. "Only when he's drunk."
Hillbilly I.D.
This hillbilly is pulled over for speeding. The patrolman walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You got any ID?"
"'Bout what?" the hillbilly replies.
Driving with Penguins
A man is driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his pickup truck. A policeman pulls him over and tells him that he can't drive around with penguins in his truck. The cop orders him to take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day, the officer spots the same man driving down the road with the same 20 penguins in the back of his truck. He pulls the driver over and says, "I though I told you to take the penguins to the zoo!"
"I did," the man replies. "They had such a good time, today I'm taking them to the movies."
Reading His Rights
Policeman: "Anything you say can and will be held against you."
Suspect: "Jessica Alba's breasts."
Trauma
A little old lady walks up to a cop and screams, "I was attacked! I was attacked!"
On alert, the cop asks, "When?"
"Twenty-three years ago," the lady replies.
The cop says, "What are you telling me now for?"
The old lady says, "I just like to talk about it once in a while."
FBI vs. CIA vs. LAPD
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI and the CIA are trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. They decide to release a rabbit into a forest for each of them to catch.
The CIA goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
Next, the FBI enters the forest. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in last. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear that's yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Bad News
During a vacation, a man's wife is lost at sea while scuba diving. The next day, two policemen visit him in his hotel room. "We're sorry to disturb you," says the first cop. "But we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the man asks for the bad news first.
"We're sorry to inform you," the policeman said, "that we found your wife's body in the bay this morning."
"Oh, my God!" the man cries. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asks, "So, what's the good news?"
"When we pulled her up," the eager policeman says, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."
"What?" the man exclaims, confused. "And...what's the great news?"
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
Contacts
The policeman replies sharply, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
The Turtle and the Snails
A turtle is walking through the forest one day when a gang of snails ambush him and beat him up. Beaten and bruised, he gathers the strength to go to a local police station.
"What happened to you?" an officer asks when the turtle walks in.
"A gang of snails beat me up," the turtle replies.
"Can you describe what they looked like?" asks the cop.
"I don't know," the turtle says. "It all happened so fast."
The Drunk and His Dog
A drunk takes his dog for a walk. After a while, he gets thirsty, so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers. After he an hour or so, a policeman enters the bar and asks, "Whose dog is tied up out front?"
The drunk responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"
"Well, she's in heat," says the cop.
"Oh, she'll be all right," says the man. "It's shady out there."
"That's not what I mean," the officer explains. "Your dog needs to be bred."
"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning," the drunk says. "She's fine."
Frustrated, the cop yells, "Listen, buddy! You don't seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog wants to mate!"
"Oh," replies the drunk, finally understanding. "Go right ahead, officer. I've always wanted a police dog."
Man in Uniform
A man walks up to a cop in uniform and asks, "Are you a policeman?"
"No," replies the cop. "I'm an undercover detective."
"So, why are you in uniform?" the man asks.
"Today's my day off."
Theater Hog
An usher notices a man lying sprawled across three seats in a theater and leans over to inform the man, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only one seat."
The man groans but doesn't budge.
The usher becomes impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up, I'm going to call the police."
Again, the man just groans, which infuriates the usher. He turns and marches back up the aisle, returning a few minutes later with the manager and a policeman.
The cop surveys the situation and asks, "Say buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moans.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
"... The balcony."
To Stop or Not to Stop
A man who's stopped by a cop for running a stop sign vehemently argues that he did stop. After several minutes of back and forth, the policeman explains to the man that he didn't stop; he just slowed down a little.
The man exclaims, "Stop or slow down: what's the difference?"
Suddenly, the cop pulls the guy out of the car and pummels him with his night stick for a minute, then asks, "Would you like me to stop or just slow down?"
Three Robbers
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are robbing a supermarket when a police officer walks into the store.
The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.
Looking for the suspects, the cop kicks the first bag. The brunette says, "Meow," and the cop figures, "Oh, its just a cat."
Next, he kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, "Woof! Woof!" The cop says, "Its only a dog" and moves on.
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, "Potato!"
The Liar
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and asks him for his license.
"I don't have one," says the driver. "I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."
Suspicious, the cop asks for the vehicle registration.
"It's not my car," replies the driver calmly. "I stole it."
"The car is stolen?" the officer asks, alarmed.
"That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in there."
"There's a gun in the glove compartment?"
"Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."
"There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!"
"Yes, sir."
Hearing this, the officer calls his captain. The car is quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the tense situation.
"Sir," says the captain, "can I see your license?"
"Sure," the driver replies politely. "Here it is." He hands it over.
"Who's car is this?" asks the captain.
"It's mine, officer. Here's the registration."
"Could you slowly open your glove compartment so I can see if there's a gun in it?"
"Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. See?" The glove compartment is empty.
"Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."
"No problem. See?" The trunk is empty as well.
"I don't understand it," the captain says. "The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove compartment and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
"Oh yeah, right," the driver replies. "I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!"
No Parking
A man pulls up to a curb and asks a policeman standing there, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask."
All the other patrons leave the bar and drive off before the drunk man manages to pull out of the parking lot. The police officer immediately pulls him over and read the man his rights. He gives the driver a breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content, but the results end up reading 0.0.
Puzzled, the officer asks the driver if he's had anything to drink. "No," the man replies. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
FBI Training
Three men are trying out for the FBI. The agent administering the test points to a door and says, "We have all your wives in that room over there. For you to make it into the FBI, you must each take this gun and shoot your wife."
The first man takes a gun, walks boldly into the room and shuts the door. A few minutes later, the man comes out of the room crying, "I can't shoot my wife. I love her!"
The second man takes the gun, walks into the room and shuts the door behind him. He returns soon thereafter sobbing, "I can't shoot my wife! She cooks so well, and I love her so much!"
The third man says, "Gimme that gun." He snatches the weapon and marches into the room. Immediately, a series of gunshots rings out, followed by all sorts of banging noise, screams and then finally silence.
The man emerges from the room, sweating profusely, and exclaims, "The gun was loaded with blanks! So I had to beat her to death with a chair."
Juggler
A driver is pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer is writing the ticket, he notices several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asks suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replies. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demands.
The driver gets out of the car and starts juggling the machetes -- first three, then four and finally seven at a time, putting on a dazzling show that amazes the officer.
At that moment, another car passes by. Seeing the show, the driver of that car does a double take and exclaims, "I gotta give up drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
Light Bulbs
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Three. One to do it, one to direct traffic and one to say, "Show's over. Nothing left to see here, folks. Move along."
B) Just one, but he's never around when you need him.
Stairs
How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?
None. He fell.

DUI
Posted by Ressid O'Vist on 13/5/09
The warden sees a ‘fisherman’ standing on the end of a dock, drop a lit stick of dynomite into a pond. After a huge blast the warden walks out and says “Sir. I’m placing you under arrest for using explosives in an illegal manner.
The fisherman hands the warden a lit stick of dynomite and says “Are you going to talk or fish?”
Posted by Ressid O'Vist on 13/5/09
The Woman Who Killed Jack The Ripper.
Florence Elizabeth Maybrick (1862 – 1941) was a former American citizen who spent fourteen years in prison in England after being convicted of murdering her considerably older English husband
Early life
Born Florence Elizabeth Chandler on September 3, 1862 in Mobile, Alabama, the daughter of William George Chandler, a partner in the banking firm of St. John Powers and Company. He was also a former Mayor of Mobile. By now the stepdaughter of Baron Adolph von Roques, a cavalry officer in the Eighth Currassier Regiment of the German Army, she married cotton broker James Maybrick at St. James’ Church, Piccadilly in London on July 27, 1881, settling with him in Battlecrease House, Aigburth, a suburb of Liverpool. They had met on board ship as they were both travelling to Great Britain, Florence travelling unchaperoned. Other passengers were either amused or shocked by the sight of the young woman spending so much time alone in the company of Maybrick, who was 23 years her senior.
Florence made quite an impression on the social scene in Liverpool, and the two were usually to be found at the most important balls and functions, the very picture of a happy, successful couple. But all was not as it seemed. Maybrick had a drug habit and a number of mistresses, one of whom bore him five children. Florence, increasingly unhappy in her marriage, entered into several liaisons of her own. One was with a local businessman, Alfred Brierley, which her husband learned of, and another was with one of her brothers-in-law. A violent row ensued, during which Maybrick assaulted Florence and announced his intention of seeking a divorce.
Murder charge
In April 1889, Florence Maybrick bought fly-papers containing arsenic and soaked them in water. At her subsequent trial she claimed to have done this for the purpose of extracting the poison for cosmetic use. James Maybrick was taken ill on 27 April 1889 after self-administering a double dose of strychnine. His doctors treated him for acute dyspepsia, but his condition deteriorated. On 8 May Florence Maybrick wrote a compromising letter to Brierley, which was intercepted by James Maybrick’s brother, Michael, who was staying at Battlecrease. By his orders she was immediately deposed as mistress of her house and watched carefully. On 9 May a nurse reported that Mrs Maybrick had surreptitiously tampered with a meat-juice bottle which was afterwards found to contain a half-grain of arsenic. Mrs Maybrick later testified that her husband had begged her to administer it as a pick-me-up. However, he never drank its contents.3
James Maybrick died at his home on 11 May 1889. His brothers, suspicious as to the cause of death had his body examined. It was found to contain slight traces of arsenic, but not enough to be considered fatal. It is uncertain whether this was taken by Maybrick himself or administered by another person. Florence Maybrick was charged with his murder and stood trial at Liverpool Crown Court, before Justice James Fitzjames Stephen where she was convicted and sentenced to death.
After a public outcry Henry Matthews, the Home Secretary, and Lord Chancellor Halsbury concluded ‘that the evidence clearly establishes that Mrs Maybrick administered poison to her husband with intent to murder; but that there is ground for reasonable doubt whether the arsenic so administered was in fact the cause of his death’. The death sentence was commuted to life imprisonment as punishment for a crime with which she was never charged. During the 1890s new evidence was publicized by her supporters, but there was no possibility of an appeal, and the Home Office was not inclined to release her.5
The case was something of a cause celebre and attracted considerable newspaper coverage on both sides of the Atlantic. James Maybrick had taken arsenic on a regular basis as it was regarded by some men then as an aphrodisiac and tonic. A city chemist confirmed that he had supplied the dead man with quantities of the poison – a search of Battlecrease House later turned up enough to kill at least fifty people. Although her marriage was clearly over in all but name, Florence had little motive to murder her husband. The financial provision James Maybrick had made for her and his children in his will was paltry and she would have been far better off with him alive but legally separated from her. Many people held the view that Florence had indeed poisoned her husband because he was about to divorce her which, in Victorian society, would see her ruined. An even more devastating motive might have been the prospect of losing the custody of her beloved children.
Release
After detention in Woking and Aylesbury prisons, Florence Maybrick was released in January 1904, having spent fourteen years in custody. Although she had lost her American citizenship when she married her British husband,6 she returned to the United States, where initially she earned a living on the lecture circuit, during which she continued to protest her innocence. In later life, after some months spent unsuccessfully as a housekeeper, Florence became a recluse, living in a squalid three-room cabin near Gaylordsville, South Kent, Connecticut with only her cats for company. She never saw her children again. Few residents had any knowledge of Florence’s true identity and the lady who had once charmed Victorian Liverpool died alone and penniless on 23 October 1941, and was buried in the grounds of South Kent School. Among her few possessions was a tattered family bible. Pressed between its pages was a scrap of paper, which, in faded ink bore directions for the soaking of flypapers for use as a beauty treatment.
Florence Maybrick wrote a book about her experiences soon after her release. A rare copy of My Fifteen Lost Years is still held by Liverpool City Libraries.
The Maybrick case was dramatized on the BBC radio series The Black Museum in 1952.