Golf Club Murder
Police are called to the scene of a murder to find a man standing in his living room, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks him, “Sir, is that your wife?”
“Yes,” the shaken man replies.
“Did you hit her with that golf club?”
“Yes. Yes, I did,” the man stammers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
“How many times did you hit her?” asks the policeman.
“I don’t know,” the man answers. “Five…six…Put me down for a five.”
After a day fishing in the ocean, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He’s approached by the game warden, who asks him for his fishing license. Not having one, the fisherman says to the warden, “I didn’t catch
these lobsters. They’re my pets. Every day, I take them down to the water for a swim. Then, when it’s time to go home, I whistle, and the lobsters jump back into the bucket.”
The warden doesn’t believe him and reminds the fisherman that it’s illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me, watch.” He throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, “OK, now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they can jump out of the water.”
The fisherman turns to the warden and asks, “What lobsters?”
Hole in the Wall
A hole has appeared in the ladies’ changing rooms at the downtown sports club. Police are looking into it.
A policeman patrolling Lover’s Lane one night drives by a car with the dome light on. Inside is a young man in the driver’s seat reading a sports magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. The cop walks up to the driver’s window and knocks. The young man looks up, opens the window and says, “Yes, Officer?”
“What are you doing?” the policeman asks.
“I’m reading this magazine,” the young man answers.
The cop points towards the young lady in the back seat and asks, “And what is she doing?”
The young man looks over his shoulder and replies, “She’s just knitting.”
Curious, the officer asks the young man, “How old are you?”
“I’m 19,” he replies.
“And how old is she?” asks the officer.
The young man looks at his watch and says, “Well, in about twelve minutes, she’ll be 18.”
On a rural road, a state trooper pulls over a car and asks the elderly driver, “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”
“Thank God,” the old man replies. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”
A police officer at a speed trap pulls over a car he clocks creeping along at 22 miles per hour. Approaching the car, he notices that there are four old ladies inside — two in the front seat and two in the back, the three passengers all wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I was going the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but driving significantly slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: 22 miles an hour!” the old woman explains.
Chuckling, the officer explains to her that “22” is the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks him for pointing out her error.
Before he lets them go, the policeman asks, “Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken.”
“Oh,” the driver replies, “they’ll be all right in a minute. We just got off Route 148.”
A judge is reprimanding the defendant in a trial: “I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again!”
“Your Honor,” the defendant says, “that’s what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn’t listen.”
A couple of young men are fishing at pond when a game warden comes along. Immediately, one of the men tosses his rod down and starts running through the woods. The warden takes off after him. After several hundred yards, the fisherman stops, exhausted, and stoops over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath.
The game warden catches up to him demands to see his fishing license. The young man pulls out his wallet and hands him a valid fishing license. “Well, son,” exclaims the warden, “you must be as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!”
“Yes, sir,” the fisherman replies. “But my friend back there, he don’t have one.”
A man is pulled over for speeding. The cop asks him, “Did you know you were going 70 in a 55 mile-per-hour zone?”
“No sir,” replies the driver. “My speedometer said I was going 60.”
The man’s wife, in the passenger’s seat, chimes in, “Oh Frank, you were actually going 80.” The man gives her a dirty look.
The cop adds, “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”
“Broken tail light?” exclaims the man. “I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
His wife again butts in, “Oh Frank, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks!”
Frank gives her a dirty look.
“And I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt,” says the cop.
“I just took it off when you were walking up to the car!” Frank protests.
His wife adds, “Oh Frank, you never wear your seat belt!”
Infuriated, Frank turns and yells at his wife, “Shut your mouth, woman!”
The cop asks the woman, “Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?”
“No,” she explains. “Only when he’s drunk.”
This hillbilly is pulled over for speeding. The patrolman walks up to the driver’s window and asks, “You got any ID?”
“‘Bout what?” the hillbilly replies.
Driving with Penguins
A man is driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his pickup truck. A policeman pulls him over and tells him that he can’t drive around with penguins in his truck. The cop orders him to take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day, the officer spots the same man driving down the road with the same 20 penguins in the back of his truck. He pulls the driver over and says, “I though I told you to take the penguins to the zoo!”
“I did,” the man replies. “They had such a good time, today I’m taking them to the movies.”
Reading His Rights
Policeman: “Anything you say can and will be held against you.”
Suspect: “Jessica Alba’s breasts.”
A little old lady walks up to a cop and screams, “I was attacked! I was attacked!”
On alert, the cop asks, “When?”
“Twenty-three years ago,” the lady replies.
The cop says, “What are you telling me now for?”
The old lady says, “I just like to talk about it once in a while.”
FBI vs. CIA vs. LAPD
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI and the CIA are trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. They decide to release a rabbit into a forest for each of them to catch.
The CIA goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
Next, the FBI enters the forest. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in last. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear that’s yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
During a vacation, a man’s wife is lost at sea while scuba diving. The next day, two policemen visit him in his hotel room. “We’re sorry to disturb you,” says the first cop. “But we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, the man asks for the bad news first.
“We’re sorry to inform you,” the policeman said, “that we found your wife’s body in the bay this morning.”
“Oh, my God!” the man cries. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asks, “So, what’s the good news?”
“When we pulled her up,” the eager policeman says, “she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her.”
“What?” the man exclaims, confused. “And…what’s the great news?”
“We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”
The policeman replies sharply, “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
The Turtle and the Snails
A turtle is walking through the forest one day when a gang of snails ambush him and beat him up. Beaten and bruised, he gathers the strength to go to a local police station.
“What happened to you?” an officer asks when the turtle walks in.
“A gang of snails beat me up,” the turtle replies.
“Can you describe what they looked like?” asks the cop.
“I don’t know,” the turtle says. “It all happened so fast.”
The Drunk and His Dog
A drunk takes his dog for a walk. After a while, he gets thirsty, so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers. After he an hour or so, a policeman enters the bar and asks, “Whose dog is tied up out front?”
The drunk responds, “That’s my dog. Is there a problem officer?”
“Well, she’s in heat,” says the cop.
“Oh, she’ll be all right,” says the man. “It’s shady out there.”
“That’s not what I mean,” the officer explains. “Your dog needs to be bred.”
“I gave her a half of a loaf this morning,” the drunk says. “She’s fine.”
Frustrated, the cop yells, “Listen, buddy! You don’t seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog wants to mate!”
“Oh,” replies the drunk, finally understanding. “Go right ahead, officer. I’ve always wanted a police dog.”
Man in Uniform
A man walks up to a cop in uniform and asks, “Are you a policeman?”
“No,” replies the cop. “I’m an undercover detective.”
“So, why are you in uniform?” the man asks.
“Today’s my day off.”
An usher notices a man lying sprawled across three seats in a theater and leans over to inform the man, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’re allowed only one seat.”
The man groans but doesn’t budge.
The usher becomes impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up, I’m going to call the police.”
Again, the man just groans, which infuriates the usher. He turns and marches back up the aisle, returning a few minutes later with the manager and a policeman.
The cop surveys the situation and asks, “Say buddy, what’s your name?”
“Sam,” the man moans.
“Where ya from, Sam?”
“… The balcony.”
To Stop or Not to Stop
A man who’s stopped by a cop for running a stop sign vehemently argues that he did stop. After several minutes of back and forth, the policeman explains to the man that he didn’t stop; he just slowed down a little.
The man exclaims, “Stop or slow down: what’s the difference?”
Suddenly, the cop pulls the guy out of the car and pummels him with his night stick for a minute, then asks, “Would you like me to stop or just slow down?”
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are robbing a supermarket when a police officer walks into the store.
The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.
Looking for the suspects, the cop kicks the first bag. The brunette says, “Meow,” and the cop figures, “Oh, its just a cat.”
Next, he kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, “Woof! Woof!” The cop says, “Its only a dog” and moves on.
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, “Potato!”
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and asks him for his license.
“I don’t have one,” says the driver. “I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.”
Suspicious, the cop asks for the vehicle registration.
“It’s not my car,” replies the driver calmly. “I stole it.”
“The car is stolen?” the officer asks, alarmed.
“That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in there.”
“There’s a gun in the glove compartment?”
“Yes, sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.”
“There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!”
Hearing this, the officer calls his captain. The car is quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the tense situation.
“Sir,” says the captain, “can I see your license?”
“Sure,” the driver replies politely. “Here it is.” He hands it over.
“Who’s car is this?” asks the captain.
“It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.”
“Could you slowly open your glove compartment so I can see if there’s a gun in it?”
“Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. See?” The glove compartment is empty.
“Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.”
“No problem. See?” The trunk is empty as well.
“I don’t understand it,” the captain says. “The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove compartment and that there was a dead body in the trunk.”
“Oh yeah, right,” the driver replies. “I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too!”
A man pulls up to a curb and asks a policeman standing there, “Can I park here?”
“No,” says the cop.
“What about all these other cars?”
“They didn’t ask.”
One night, a police officer is staking out a rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he sees a man stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he finds his. The man sits in the front seat, fumbling around with his keys for several minutes before he figures out how to turn on the car.
All the other patrons leave the bar and drive off before the drunk man manages to pull out of the parking lot. The police officer immediately pulls him over and read the man his rights. He gives the driver a breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content, but the results end up reading 0.0.
Puzzled, the officer asks the driver if he’s had anything to drink. “No,” the man replies. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
Three men are trying out for the FBI. The agent administering the test points to a door and says, “We have all your wives in that room over there. For you to make it into the FBI, you must each take this gun and shoot your wife.”
The first man takes a gun, walks boldly into the room and shuts the door. A few minutes later, the man comes out of the room crying, “I can’t shoot my wife. I love her!”
The second man takes the gun, walks into the room and shuts the door behind him. He returns soon thereafter sobbing, “I can’t shoot my wife! She cooks so well, and I love her so much!”
The third man says, “Gimme that gun.” He snatches the weapon and marches into the room. Immediately, a series of gunshots rings out, followed by all sorts of banging noise, screams and then finally silence.
The man emerges from the room, sweating profusely, and exclaims, “The gun was loaded with blanks! So I had to beat her to death with a chair.”
A driver is pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer is writing the ticket, he notices several machetes in the car.
“What are those for?” she asks suspiciously.
“I’m a juggler,” the man replies. “I use those in my act.”
“Well, show me,” the officer demands.
The driver gets out of the car and starts juggling the machetes — first three, then four and finally seven at a time, putting on a dazzling show that amazes the officer.
At that moment, another car passes by. Seeing the show, the driver of that car does a double take and exclaims, “I gotta give up drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
A) Three. One to do it, one to direct traffic and one to say, “Show’s over. Nothing left to see here, folks. Move along.”
B) Just one, but he’s never around when you need him.
How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?
None. He fell.